J. E. Landau

I recently moved out of a cheap and rather terrible apartment, and as a part of this process, my roommate and I worked hard to cover up the evidence of the damage we had done to the apartment in vain hopes of getting our security deposit back.

As a part of this, we had to cover up some holes we had knocked in the walls, mostly by carelessness, as well as some scuffs and stains that wouldn’t scrub off. But this posed us with an unusual problem: our lease forbade any repairs by tenants, so we had to repair the damage while making it look like the landlord was actually the one who did it.

To do this, we had to really contemplate what it means to paint like a landlord.

The first step, of course, is getting the required materials. Unfortunately, the sort of paint that many landlords use is, I have been assured, not available to the general public. A friend of mine worked at Home Depot’s paint desk, and he told me that there were certain brands of paint which were so cheap and terrible that to buy them you had to ask for them specifically by name, and be a professional.

I have lived in a lot of cheap apartments, and after a few, you become familiar with the fundamental characteristics of the paintjobs there. The paint is always layered on extremely thick, but in flaky layers. Often, corners will have had several layers of paint break off, and one can see a whole eighth of an inch of paint covering a surface. I believe that the thickness of the coats is an essential and desired feature of the paint. After all, why apply spackle to imperfections in drywall, when you can just apply a thick coat of paint? The cheapest landlord paints are very glossy, which is a disconcerting effect that highlights the grime, but some slightly nicer apartments will be semi-gloss or eggshell. Finally, the landlord paintjobs are inconsistent in color between rooms.

To best replicate this paint, I recommend going to your hardware store’s paint counter with a chip to color match (this part is optional-mismatched paint jobs are part of the style) and asking for the “cheapest, worst” paint they have. Often, sales representatives are confused by requests for the “worst” version of a product, but everyone understands “cheapest”.

Landlord paint jobs are often done with the most brute force painting tools available (see the infamous “painted-over roach” post), and precision is not a desired quality. Using a roller is overkill for most repairs, so we settled on the cheapest paintbrush we could find. If you spend any significant amount of money, you’re doing it wrong.

In terms of technique, I recommend treating the paint similar to makeup. Start in the center of the area you want to cover, and blend outwards. Unlike makeup, however, you should really slather on as much as possible and create an incredibly thick layer of gloop, since it’s what’s expected in the style. Remember, even if you have already used spackle or plaster to repair your wall, the Landlord school of painting demands thick paint, so it will blend in better the thicker the paint job is. I don’t think that there’s any need to artificially age the paint patch. After all, it is rare for an entire room to be repainted in a cheap apartment. Instead, paint jobs are usually patchwork and awkward, so if your paint job doesn’t match the rest of the paint, that’s good. It’s also okay to have debris trapped in the paint, because, as demonstrated above, this is a staple of the style.

Another important question is when and where to apply the style, and the answer is “everywhere”! Mold? Paint over it. Water damage? Paint over it. Mysterious stain? Paint over it. It’s not necessary to prepare the site before applying paint, or even to thoroughly clean it. Just paint over whatever debris, and it will make it look even more authentic. Weird lumps and distortions in the paint are just part of the landlord special.

There is also no need to avoid dripping paint on the carpet, trim, grout, light switches, power outlets etc. After all, the original painters almost never care about this, and, in fact, you should avoid using masking tape altogether. Masking tape implies an excessive degree of care and takes away from the appearance of the style. It’s also perfectly okay to get paint in very unsightly locations like mirrors and bathroom fixtures, and you shouldn’t avoid painting the inside of showers. I’ve used enough showers with paint flaking off the bottom to know that this is simply a stylistic choice, and you don’t even have to worry about the paint sticking well.

Most cheap apartments have popcorn ceilings, because they hide imperfections in the ceiling’s construction and are also quite cheap. These ceiling shapes have a particular texture which can be difficult to replicate, but do not despair! I have personally experienced several apartment ceiling repairs where a section of popcorn ceiling was cut out, and an enormous amount of plaster was used to patch the hole, and then the whole mess was painted over, and you can simply duplicate this. It’s a known, canonical technique for landlord-style painting, and so your counterfeit repair work will blend right in. Don’t be shy in using similar techniques on anything you run into, even if it’s wholly inappropriate in traditional repair work. After all, the first rule of landlord repair is “expediency”.

Of course, in many cases, doing a proper landlord repair is unnecessary. Even more dubious than the “landlord special” are the tenant’s repair techniques. My grandmother always recommended that I fill in any nail holes with toothpaste when I left an apartment, while I personally found the best results from rubbing a bar of soap on the wall to fill in the small holes. If your apartment has provided furniture, you can rearrange it to conceal damage, or you can simply pretend like it isn’t there and hope.

And it’s important to keep in mind that you should only really bother with the “Landlord special” if you think there’s any chance of getting your deposit back at all.